Oh damn.

Honestly... what was I expecting?

I actually felt like I did better than last time. But life loves surprising us, so when the bullshit comes, it's when you least expect it. I put in 200% the amount of effort I did than the previous one. Seems like even 1000% won't be enough.

Now I have to pull through this period of mental and spiritual torture again. It sucks. It really does. To harbor soul-crushing thoughts in your head, to feel like you've let everyone down. To feel like everyone looks down on you. Especially those academically well-to-do ones. They often act like they're so concerned and sympathetic towards you and your welfare, but how often is it that these gestures of affection and empathy are true? Many of them probably just wanna see you plummet to the bottom of the abyss and rot.

I've never expressed my heartfelt feelings on the net before. It's because people usually judge you so hard. People start making assumptions and leaping to conclusions faster than they can even fit themselves in our torn and tattered shoes. The contemporary human world is more-often-than-not a cruel one to live in and sometimes it feels like you're nothing but a waste of space. The vast majority is only concerned with him/herself. Think about it. How many TRULY selfless acts have you carried out in life so far? You can probably count them with your fingers. You probably already think I'm some self-presumptuous man-bitch right now.

And it's not like I'm not aware of others that are trapped within the gaping maw of Suffering. Many of my closest friends belong to this group of people. Over-dosage of anti-depressants, suicidal tendencies. They've survived far worse ordeals than us, and probably endure worse things in a day than all you ever had in your life summed up together. Wait till you know their full stories.

I feel my heart becoming serpentine. My conscience is irrevocably freezing up, albeit in near-insignificant amounts every day. Apathy is gaining dominance. If you wanna thaw the ice. Go ahead. You're sincerely welcome to try.

I only want to unbottle all the pent-up emotions within, and there's no finer place to do it than online, right? We're compelled to do stupid and foolish things sometimes. I'm probably gonna regret posting this but... I just have to.

Peace.